3 Suggestions to Help You Deal with Marital Infidelity
If you want to know how to survive an affair, in this short blog I will introduce five things I have observed in people who heal. Each idea is something that I picked up while watching and researching thousands of betrayed partners over the past 28 years as a therapist. It is important to realize that there are many things that can help you heal, below I include five that I have found to be essential in the journey to healing and recovery.
Dealing with marital infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences anyone can experience in this life. Most people in our society simply do not know how to respond to such betrayal. As a result, many suffer with deep trauma. If your spouse cheated on you, you probably feel very confused and overwhelmed. Researchers have found that sexual betrayal often triggers symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). (1)(2) These symptoms include: reliving the event, avoidance of people, places, and activities that you used to enjoy, negative self-beliefs (e.g. It’s my fault), and high emotional arousal (e.g. Anger, anxiety). Left untreated, many individuals silently suffer for weeks, months, and even years after discovering their partner’s infidelity.
Unfortunately, most people do not know where to turn for help with these issues, and when they do reach out for support, those who they reach out to do not know how to help them. Instead of being understood they receive advice that is confusing or adds to the pain. For example, some people tell them to just move on. Still others are told that cheating is normal. Even worse, some people are told to forgive and forget. Instead of being comforted, such statements are unhelpful and often hurtful. As a result, many who are experiencing infidelity in their marriage end up feeling alone and empty.
Here’s three suggestions to help you understand yourself and others who are experiencing infidelity in marriage.
Suggestion #1:
Understand the Emotional Suffering Associated with Marital Infidelity
Infidelity often triggers a cascade of painful emotions. For example, it is common to feel emotionally overwhelmed and on edge. Feelings of anger and irritability are very common. During the past 10 years I have been researching the influence of sexual betrayal on individual’s lives. In my research with more than 1500 individuals, when I presented this statement, “After discovering my partner’s sexual behaviors, I find that I am increasingly angry in response to my partner,” nearly 87% agreed and responded that they were angry with their spouse at least half of the time. While anger is a normal response to betrayal, those who experience betrayal were not angry people before the betrayal occurred. As a result, many who have been betrayed report feeling guilty because they are angry more than they ever have been before. Instead of judging the anger, these individuals need to be understood and not judged. I have found that they don’t like being angry, but that they simply want others to understand their pain. They are suffering from a significant loss and probably judging themselves overly much already.
Here's a chart showing how common anger is after discovering sexual betrayal.
Suggestion #2:
Understand the Physical Challenges Associated with Marital Infidelity
In addition to emotional suffering, many betrayed spouses experiencing marital infidelity begin having health problems. They usually can’t sleep or eat. This often triggers a cascade of negative consequences. When we don’t sleep, our ability to reason and regulate emotions decreases. This influences our capacity to think clearly. “Sleep deprivation at its worst is literally torturous; even mild chronic sleep deprivation changes brain chemistry and physiology, leading to deterioration of cognition, memory, and mood.” (3) When we don’t sleep well, we are more prone to experience mental health problems such as depression and anxiety as well.
In addition, under elevated stress, healthy eating habits deteriorate as well. In humans under stress, “individual differences in food intake are as follows – roughly 40% increase and 40% decrease their caloric intake when stressed, while approximately 20% of people do not change feeding behaviors during stressful periods.” (4) Researches have discovered that chronic activation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis can alter glucose metabolism, promote insulin resistance and influence multiple appetite-related hormones and hypothalamic neuropeptides (5). Noradrenaline and CRF may suppress appetite during stress, whereas cortisol may stimulate appetite during recovery from stress (6). In essence, 80% of individuals experiencing sexual betrayal are likely to not eat enough or eat too much. Either way, if the symptoms of betrayal are not resolved, unhealthy eating habits will increase. Over time such behavior can trigger negative health consequences.
For more information on eating and sleep you can watch two free videos at: www.discoverandchange.com/tipsa/video (Healthy Eating and Sleep Hygiene).
Suggestion #3:
Understand and Assess Trauma
Symptoms Associated with Marital Infidelity
Over the past 10 years I have had more than 5000 individuals complete an assessment I created to assess trauma individuals experience after sexual betrayal. Originally, I wanted to know whether the symptoms were really post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms. I discovered that, indeed, infidelity in a committed relationship triggers PTSD symptoms. These symptoms include:
- Reliving the event/s
- Avoidance of people, places, or activities previously enjoyed
- Negative mood and cognitions (e.g. depressive symptoms, negative self-talk)
- Emotional arousal (e.g. Irritability, hypervigilence, anxiety)
When I started reviewing the results, I found supporting evidence that many of those who were betrayed were experiencing PTSD symptoms. While not all people experiencing marital infidelity have these symptoms, far too many were to ignore the results. If you are interested in discovering if you are experiencing these symptoms you can take the assessment at the following link: www.discoverandchange.com/tipsa. If you would like to see the results from others who have completed the assessment you can visit www.discoverandchange.com/tipsa/assessment
In order to truly understand the long-lasting results of an affair it is important to understand that trauma symptoms do not just disappear. They need to be understood and then treated. In March of 2017 I wrote a book, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing. In this book I identify the common responses to betrayal and how to treat the trauma symptoms. You can find this book on Amazon.com or at Discoverandchange.com
#2: Seek Support
If you want to know how to survive an affair, you must begin by taking care of yourself. It is important to focus on your physical and emotional well-being. This can include engaging in self-care practices, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling. As a part of your self-care plan, it is important to remember that your healing is influenced by basic things like eating well and sleeping. Many betrayed partners report that healthy behaviors escape them after they discover their partners' affair. As a part of your healing plan, make sure to include activities that help your mind and body.