If you want to know how to survive an affair, in this short blog I will introduce five things I have observed in people who heal. Each idea is something that I picked up while watching and researching thousands of betrayed partners over the past 28 years as a therapist. It is important to realize that there are many things that can help you heal, below I include five that I have found to be essential in the journey to healing and recovery.
There is nothing easy about dealing with infidelity in marriage. I am a trained professional who specializes in working with individuals facing sexual betrayal in their relationship. Over the past 22 years as a therapist I have worked with thousands of individuals and couples whose lives have been turned upside down due to an extramarital affair. Unfortunately, early in my career I didn’t understand realize how to properly assess couples dealing with infidelity in their relationship.
Let me explain.
A few years ago I met a couple seeking help for his affair. While I didn’t know it at the time, I made a critical mistake while treating this specific client. My mistake was that I thought I was helping them through his affair, when in truth he was dealing with much deeper sexually compulsive behaviors. What I didn’t know was that he had been secretly viewing pornography, chatting with other women online, and mentally fantasizing about people with whom he worked. Sex was almost always on his mind and I didn’t know the right questions to ask to help him open up and discuss this.
At that time, I wasn’t prepared to ask crucial questions that could have helped him receive the best treatment available. All I knew was that he was having an extramarital affair. My lack of awareness and not asking the right questions caused him, his wife, and others significant amount of pain. For this reason, when clients seek my professional help now I have learned the importance of providing a thorough assessment. I also am very aware of why it is critical to ask difficult but important questions.
If you are dealing with infidelity in your relationship, I want to address three common mistakes couples and even therapists make when dealing with infidelity. My hope is to help you avoid making the same mistakes I made many years ago in when I treated someone having an affair with a band-aid rather than helping them cleanse their deeper wound (years of sexual compulsivity).
Dealing with Infidelity Mistake #1
Is it more than an extramarital affair?
Today, I ask clients many more questions than I did when I was a beginning therapist. I realize that when I ask more, I learn more. Sure my questions can make my client’s uncomfortable, but I can’t help them if I don’t know the depth of the problem. When I ask questions my goal is to identify whether they are dealing with an extramarital affair or something more complex like a history of sexually compulsive behaviors.
What’s the difference? A single extramarital affair can occur for many reasons (e.g. workplace romance, frustration with you relationship, or loneliness), but it is usually not related to a long-history of sexually acting out behaviors. Sexual compulsivity usually builds up over time and includes a lengthy list of sexual behaviors (e.g. viewing pornography hundreds if not thousands of times, multiple sexual partners, random hook-ups, etc.).
Whether you are a therapist, clergy, or spouse of someone who has been unfaithful, knowing the difference between a single sexual violation and sexual compulsivity can make a big difference in how you treat and work with couples.
Another significant mistake we make when dealing with infidelity in marriage is that we tend to focus on the person who has had the affair and overlook the needs of the spouse who been cheated on. The hurt and pain in the betrayed spouse can easily be overlooked. In the end the consequences are significant. The betrayed spouse usually feels overwhelmed. They can’t eat or sleep. They struggle to get out of bed and function let alone perform their regular daily tasks.
One woman described it this way, “I am exhausted even after a good night's sleep. While I am sleeping better since disclosure, I have little to no energy and struggle to get up in the morning and do daily tasks (cleaning, laundry, dishes). Days are drudgery most of the time.”
In my personal research with more than 5000 spouses who experienced sexual betrayal the consequences of marital infidelity is wide and far reaching. Many experiences posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms. Their emotional and physical suffering is deep. In my experience they need just as much support and attention as the betraying spouse.
Note: If you would like to take a free survey on five common consquences of infidelity click here.
After discovering sexual betrayal it is so easy to get caught up on what happened and ignore the root cause of what happened. Unfortunately, in my earlier professional experience I didn’t realize that my client had much more going on in his life than his ongoing affair. Had I known what I know now, I would have asked additional questions like:
Had I asked these questions, I would have learned much more about many of the underlying issues that were contributors to his behaviors outside of his marriage.
In conclusion, while there is nothing easy in dealing with infidelity in marriage, if we seek to understand if it is more than an extramarital affair, support the traumatized spouse, and explore the real causes of the affair we can avoid making mistakes that can add to couples pain and distress.
If you want to know how to survive an affair, you must begin by taking care of yourself. It is important to focus on your physical and emotional well-being. This can include engaging in self-care practices, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling. As a part of your self-care plan, it is important to remember that your healing is influenced by basic things like eating well and sleeping. Many betrayed partners report that healthy behaviors escape them after they discover their partners' affair. As a part of your healing plan, make sure to include activities that help your mind and body.