How to survive an affair

If you want to know how to survive an affair, in this short blog I will introduce five things I have observed in people who heal. Each idea is something that I picked up while watching and researching thousands of betrayed partners over the past 28 years as a therapist. It is important to realize that there are many things that can help you heal, below I include five that I have found to be essential in the journey to healing and recovery.

#1: Understand and Respond to the Emotional Roller Coaster

The pain of betrayal from a partner can be unbearable, so if you want to know how to survive an affair, I would invite you to put down avoid self-judgement and let me share with you what my research has taught me about betrayed partners. It can leave you feeling lost, alone, and unsure of what to do next. The aftermath of infidelity can cause a wide range of traumatic symptoms, including anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As a result, it is common to feel like there is something wrong with you. If you want to survive an affair, please begin by accepting that your emotions and what you are experiencing is common. In research that I have conducted with over 15,000 betrayed partners, I found that more than 70% had experienced the following symptoms:

Reliving the event-- nightmares, flashbacks, and triggers are all common. For example, you could be feeling calm one moment and then see someone that reminds you of what your partner did and suddenly you feel anxious and upset.
Avoidance-- many betrayed partners begin avoiding people and places that remind them of what their partner did. In addition, they will often attempt to push away thoughts or feelings that they are having by numbing out (e.g., binge-watching t.v., drinking alcohol, or using other drugs).
Negative cognition and mood-- It is common for betrayed partners to feel like the world is not a safe place. In addition to losing trust in their partner, they often begin questioning who they can trust. It is also normal for betrayed partners to internalize the betrayal that they experienced and feel like there is something wrong with them. They often conclude that there is something wrong with them (e.g., I am unwanted, unlovable, or that there is something wrong with me).
Emotional Arousal and Reactivity-- betrayed partners often find that their mind is racing, they struggle to sleep, and they are angrier than ever before. It is often hard for betrayed partners to understand the intensity of their own emotions.

If you are experiencing these symptoms, if you want to survive an affair, these symptoms must be addressed. If you would like to learn more about how to effectively respond to these symptoms, I have created a course offering specific suggestions on how to respond to each of the symptoms discussed above. In addition, I have included the TEDx talk I gave in 2018 on how to survive an affair.

#2: Seek Support

A good second step in overcoming the aftermath of infidelity is to seek support. This can be in the form of therapy, support groups, or simply talking to a trusted friend or family member. It's important to have someone to talk to who can offer support and understanding during this difficult time.

Therapy can be especially helpful in addressing the traumatic symptoms that may arise after infidelity. A therapist can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies to manage your symptoms. They can also provide a safe space for you to discuss your feelings without fear of judgment. It is important to find a professional therapist who understands that infidelity can trigger PTSD symptoms. Therapists who do not understand this may not focus on these helping you navigate through these difficult feelings. One way to find a therapist who understands how to treat betrayal trauma is to find a therapist who is a certified partner trauma therapist (CPTT). Here's a link to find a trained therapist in your area: Click here to find a trained therapist

Support groups can also be a valuable resource. Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can be comforting and can help you feel less alone. Hearing others' stories and how they coped with their experiences can offer hope and inspiration. If you are interested in finding a group in your area, here's a link for you.

Group for Betrayed Partners

#3:Consistent Self-care

If you want to know how to survive an affair, you must begin by taking care of yourself. It is important to focus on your physical and emotional well-being. This can include engaging in self-care practices, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling. As a part of your self-care plan, it is important to remember that your healing is influenced by basic things like eating well and sleeping. Many betrayed partners report that healthy behaviors escape them after they discover their partners' affair. As a part of your healing plan, make sure to include activities that help your mind and body.

#4: Establish Healthy Boundaries

It's also important to prioritize your needs and set boundaries with your partner. If you are going to learn how to survive an affair, boundaries will be a part of the process. By establishing your boundaries, you are communicating to your partner your expectations moving forward. Here are some examples of boundaries that you may choose:

I expect complete fidelity if we are going to stay married. That means, I will not stay with you if you choose to engage with your affair partner.
I will not be sexual with you until we have both been tested for an sexually transmitted disease.
I would like a formal disclosure so that I understand the extent of your sexual betraying behaviors.
I will be attending therapy so I can heal. I can't make you choose therapy, but I would hope that you choose to as well.
I want to have access to all bank accounts so I understand how much money you have spent while you were cheating on me.
I will do my part to heal but I need your commitment that you too want to stop your behaviors. Will you create a recovery plan and share it with me?

Please note: Boundaries are very personal and should be based on your personal situation. I caution my clients when they take others boundaries and try to apply them to their relationship. Your boundaries should be your boundaries. They are for your safety and protection. It is also important to remember that boundaries are not to control your partner's behaviors.

#5: How to Survive and Affair: Be Patient with the Process

One way to survive an affair is to recognize healing is a process not an event. Far too often the people I meet with just want their pain to be gone. Unfortunately, the healing journey after an affair requires time and effort. If you would like to learn more about the process of healing, I would invite you to read my most recent book, Rebuild Your Relationship after Sexual Betrayal: A Couples Guide to Healing (Coming Aug 2023).

Conclusion:

Rebuilding trust after infidelity can be a long and difficult process. It may take time and effort from both partners to rebuild the relationship. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and needs. It's also important to set realistic expectations and goals for the future of the relationship.