Questions to Ask Yourself When Dealing with Extramarital Affairs

If you want to know how to survive an affair, in this short blog I will introduce five things I have observed in people who heal. Each idea is something that I picked up while watching and researching thousands of betrayed partners over the past 28 years as a therapist. It is important to realize that there are many things that can help you heal, below I include five that I have found to be essential in the journey to healing and recovery.

I am often asked by individuals dealing with extramarital affairs whether I think they can heal from such deep betrayal. My answer usually starts with a list of questions that help me better understand their relationship. My questions stem from years of realizing that there is always a backstory behind infidelity. Only when I understand the real reason for the affair do I answer the question.

If you were to come to my office and ask me the same question about your relationship, here’s a list of questions that I would ask you:

1. On a scale of one to ten how committed are you to making your relationship work?
2. How long has the extramarital affair been going on?
3. Is the affair based on a relationship or was it a one night fling?
4. Has there been more than one extramarital affair?
5. Are there other sexual behaviors that have occurred outside of the relationship?
6. What has the quality of your marital relationship been like?
7. How are each of you dealing with the infidelity? For example, I would want to know if the person having the affair is open and willing to talk about what happened or if they are holding back and keeping secrets. I would want to know how the betrayed spouse is responding to the disclosure (e.g. desire to stay in the relationship and work things out).
8. Has the offending party completely stopped all interaction with the person with whom they had the affair?

#2: Seek Support

Questions about Extramarital Affairs

Question #1: How committed are you to making your relationship work?

My thoughts: In the beginning or just after discovery your answer to this question is very important. Individuals who respond with an absolute ten concern me. In situations like this they are not stopping to reflect on what happened, why the betrayal occurred, and if it is going to stop. In contrast, if the answer is a one there is usually very little hope that the relationship will last. Why? Simply said, a one indicates very little to no hope. In my professional experience individuals who answer one are usually done with the relationship. When individuals are answer somewhere near the middle and score themselves between a four and seven I sense that they are in the let me wait and see mindset. I believe this is the best way to approach the news of learning about an extramarital affair.

Question #2: How long has the extramarital affair been going on?

My thoughts: Usually an affair that has been ongoing for months and years is more than an affair. It is a hidden relationship that is very difficult to give up. When two people have sexual relations they are doing much more than just having sex. They are developing a chemical bond between them. Thus, the longer the relationship has been happening the more difficult it will be to walk away from. 

In contrast, an affair that is relatively new has it’s own set of problems. For example, in the beginning it is like taking a drug. The chemical high provides a cocktail of internal drugs that create an intense high. Again walking away from this is not always easy. 

When betrayal is discovered early it can create a necessary wake-up call like “what was I thinking” or it can lead to a serious decision making process that may sound something like this if you were listening to the mind at work, “Should I leave my spouse for this new relationship or not? I really like this feeling, but I feel bad about hurting my spouse.” I have found early after discovery, there is a lot of confusion in those who have had the affair. They experience a wide range of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that they don’t understand. Time and clear guidance usually help these individuals clarify how to respond.

Question #3: Is the affair based on a relationship or a one night fling?

My thoughts: Much like the previous question it is important to determine the nature of the relationship. If infidelity occurred with someone with whom person works or knows there is more complexity that has to be resolved. For example, if the marital relationship is going to last changing jobs or moving may be necessary. In contrast, if it was a one night fling, it may have been a spontaneous act or it may be a pattern that has to be addressed. Either way, betrayal is very painful and forces couples to seriously evaluate their relationship. Unfortunately, many couples simply do not know how to resolve such a relationship trauma. If you would like to learn more about how to how couples can start working through the pain of infidelity, you can read my article “How to Deal with Infidelity.”

Question #4: Has there been more than one extramarital affair?

If there has been more than one affair, I would begin looking for sexual behaviors that are out of control. What I am looking for is patterns of compulsivity. In other words they say they want to stop, but can’t. In other words, once they begin having extramarital relations they struggle to stop acting out. In such cases their pattern is based on opportunity and if they find someone who is willing they act out because they have no boundaries. They may go a period of time without acting out, but the extramarital affairs have more to do with sexual compulsivity (what is often referred to as sexual addiction) rather a single affair. The key difference here is that a single affair could be the beginning of two people building a relationship. In contrast, where there are cases of multiple affairs, they are not about relationships they are more likely about getting a sexual high.

Questions #5: Are there other sexual behaviors that have occurred outside of the relationship?

This question relates a lot to the previous question regarding multiple affairs. If there are other sexual behaviors that have occurred outside of the relationship (e.g. Visiting topless bars, hidden use of pornography, sexual massages), once again I am looking for sexual compulsivity. Usually, when individuals are dealing with sexual compulsivity, their sexual behaviors are not limited to just one sexual behavior (i.e. Visiting a topless bar). Instead, when they come clean they reveal that they have been secretly viewing pornography, paying for sexual massages, or meeting people for random sexual experiences.

One of the biggest mistakes we can make is focusing on the extramarital affair and not exploring the role of the other sexual behaviors. I address this issue in my blog, 3 Common Mistakes We Make When Dealing with Infidelity in Marriage.

Question #6: What has the quality of your marital relationship been like?

Some couples wanting to heal from an affair have memories and experiences that help they work through their challenges. Other couples when they seek help report more fighting and arguing than connecting experiences. Sometimes the difference in couples who make it and don’t is previous interaction before the betrayal occurred. 

I find it more difficult as a therapist to help couples when they tell me that they have never really had a good relationship. In contrast, when couples have fond memories and experiences together we can help them build upon those. 

Question #7: How are each of you dealing with the infidelity? For example, I would want to know if the person having the affair is open and willing to talk about what happened or if they are holding back and keeping secrets. I would want to know how the betrayed spouse is responding to the disclosure (e.g. level of trauma, desire to stay in the relationship and work things out).

How each partner deals with the unfaithful behavior is a big deal. When I see individuals being open and honest about their betraying behavior, I know there is hope. In contrast, when the betraying spouse withholds information, tells part truths or minimizes their behaviors, healing from the affair is difficult. Researchers have discovered that how couples talk (or don’t talk) after discovery and determine the outcome. Couples who openly discussed the details of what happened were more likely to have better outcomes. (See Jennifer Schneider’s book).

The betrayed spouse often has symptoms that match posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In my personal research with more than 5000 individuals I have discovered the extramarital affairs can trigger symptoms of PTSD in about 70% of those who have been betrayed. Unfortunately, the betrayed spouse’s needs for healing have been overlooked in the past. Their trauma and suffering is significant and I have personally found that if their trauma is not treated, the couples chance for healing and recovery is seriously limited. 

For more information on healing the trauma after an affair, my book and support videos Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing are available at Discover and Change

Question #8: Has the offending party completely stopped all interaction with the person with whom they had the affair?

Before any real healing can occur, the offending party has to cut-off all interaction with the person with whom they had the affair. Simply said, you can’t heal when the hurtful behaviors are continuing. All forms of communication need to stop. While there are many reasons for this, healing is limited when there is still the possibility that the betrayal can continue. I like to describe it this way. If we treated the affair as if it were alcoholism, we wouldn’t want the alcoholic at the bar. The the two people who had the affair are together (or communicate) they are both at risk for returning back to old patterns.

In summary, when an extramarital affair has occurred and you are exploring whether healing is possible, I would encourage you to consider the questions above, review my responses, and then have an frank and open discussion with your spouse. Healing is possible, but be careful not to put a band-aid on a deep wound.

If you want to know how to survive an affair, you must begin by taking care of yourself. It is important to focus on your physical and emotional well-being. This can include engaging in self-care practices, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling. As a part of your self-care plan, it is important to remember that your healing is influenced by basic things like eating well and sleeping. Many betrayed partners report that healthy behaviors escape them after they discover their partners' affair. As a part of your healing plan, make sure to include activities that help your mind and body.